Telephone Lies

WHAT IS IT ABOUT TELEPHONES that make people lie?

Many voice-mail messages go something like this: "Hi, I'm either in a meeting or on another call. Please leave a message, and I'll call you back as soon as possible."

Liar!

At least SOME of the time, they'll be in the bathroom, eating, sleeping or doing something other than the two possibilities mentioned. People also lie when they say, "I'll call you back as soon as possible." It's "possible" to reply to voice mail within seconds every time! It's just not convenient.

If you ever actually reach someone, calls usually end with, "...well, I'll let you go." When people say "I'll let you go" They really mean "you let ME go!"

We lie to give the false impression that we're polite, hardworking people. But since everyone says the same baloney, we don't believe the telephone lies of others, so it's all ultimately pointless. 

I hereby call upon the telephone using community to bring honesty back to the telephone system!

Here's a new script for voice mail: "Hi, I could be doing just about anything right now -- who knows? The only thing certain is that I'm not answering your call. Please leave a message and I might call you back when I feel like it."

And here's a suggestion for ending calls: "...well, I've had about as much of this conversation as I can stand, so I'm going to hang up on you now."

There. Isn't that better? : ) 

PhotoShop Phonies

Steven Spielberg plans to re-release the movie "ET - the Extraterrestrial" -- but with a difference. The guns carried by FBI agents in the final scene will be digitally replaced by walkie talkies. The "politically correct" alteration, which will cost about $100,000, is being made to please actress Drew Barrymore, who starred in the movie as a child, and nowadays hypocritically plays a violent, ass-kickin' agent in the bland and absurd movie remake of the 1970s TV show, "Charlie's Angels." 

Proof You Can Buy Anything on the Web

You already know you can buy perfume and cologne on the Internet. But did you know you can buy fragrances that smell like Altoids, Cappuccino, Dirt, Dust, Earthworm, Glue, Grass, Martini, Pipe Tobacco, Popcorn, Rubber, Saw Dust, Snow, Sushi and Vinyl? The Demeter Fragrance Library Collection has all these scents and over a hundred more. (If you're ready to end your current relationship, why not buy your lover a bottle of Mildew for Valentine's Day?)

Why go to college, when you can just buy a diploma on the Internet? FakeDegrees.com sells phony diplomas for a fraction of the cost of actually getting an education!

Shameless Self-Promotion

Don't miss the Computer Chronicles TV show this week, where I'll blather on about hot new goodies in Internet Explorer 6. Also featured on the show: Windows XP and the new Mac OS X! Click here for show times in your area. 

Listen to Craig Crossman's Computer America this Sunday, where Your's Truly will talk about great Mike's List goodies, gadgets and other stuff. You can hear Computer America nationwide on your local Business TalkRadio station or over the Internet Sunday from 1pm to 3pm Silicon Valley Time. Tune in to the one and only Computer America!

Hollywood Spy

The "Dell guy," played by actor Benjamin Curtis who tells TV viewers, "Dude -- You're gettin' a Dell!" will have a role in Terminator 3, according to my Hollywood Spy. My fondest wish is that he will play the same role in the movie as he does in the commercials, and say to Arnold Schwarzenegger, "Dude -- You're gettin' a..." BLAM! "Hasta la vista, Steven!"

Reader Web Site o' the Week

If you're a skater -- or simply enjoy watching people wipe out on the sidewalk, scrape skin, break bones and generally have a good time -- then you'll love Skate Mag, a skateboard Web site run by Mike's List reader Cirilo Rodulfo. Check it out!

Get YOUR web site on the high-traffic Mike's List Reader Links page. HERE'S HOW! 

Gotta-Get-It Gadgets

Tired of the noise, dust and vibration caused by your PC's cooling fan? Neither am I. But for those who are, the Korean company C-system sells spiffy liquid-cooled PC cases for about $200 each! 

Most cars have CD players these days, but true geeks need the $1,500 Sony MEX-HD1. This in-dash CD player blasts tunes like the others. But push a button, and the Sony rips the current song and saves it to the built-in 10- gigabyte hard drive in MP3 format! It supports Sony's Memory Stick for transferring files to a portable player. 

And now something completely unnecessary. Fujifilm announced recently glow-in-the-dark recordable CDs. Called Glow Discs, the new data storage media are exactly like standard CD-Rs -- holding 700-megabytes of data -- but are a bit more expensive at $9.99 for 10 disks. 

The Stock Orb is a prototype wireless device from Ambient Devices that glows different colors depending on the current status of your stock portfolio. It glows green if you're making money and red if you're losing it. I'd like to see a ball that glows green if you're reading a story on the Internet about a brilliant new product, and red if you're reading about a stupid waste of money for people who don't have enough battery operated junk. 

Have you seen an amazing new toy? Let me know! 

Wacky Web Sites

Some people pretend to enjoy the sport of hockey, but in reality are just waiting for a good fight. If that describes you, then you'll love BroadStreetBully.com.  You'll get all the hockey fights, without having to endure all those annoying hockey games. 

Obviously the world's largest catsup (ketchup?) bottle deserves its own web site. And here it is!

Who says people don't care about art? A group of devoted purists have created an online petition to keep Britney Spears and Beyonce Knowles out of the next Austin Powers movie because of their "controversial celebrity status and marginal acting talent." Click here to sign! (Random trivia: The James Bond people are suing the Austin Powers people to keep them from using the name "Goldmember" in the title of the next Austin Powers movie.) 

Why go to Blockbuster and pay good money to rent The Matrix again when you can go here and watch the Lego version free? 

Here's a clock that tracks the year, month, day, hours, minutes and seconds -- by numbers displayed entirely in hand-written pencil. If that's not wacky enough, try this!

The Internet is a perfect place to post pictures of that DAT tape loader you built out of Legos (folks, I'm not making this up!). 

 If you see a really crazy web site: Let me know! 

Last Week's Mystery Pic

No, it's not the Claudia Schiffer edition of the Palm Vx, a Palm devide used by ET to phone home or a handheld manufactured by "Censored, Inc.," as suggested by some readers. It's the prototype of an HP Jornada called the X25 running Linux and built by HP researchers in Australia. Unfortunately, as part of a sweeping cost-cutting program, HP killed the project late last year. Equally unfortunately -- and this is a Mike's List first -- nobody knew the correct answer! So congratulations.... to me! Here's an uncensored look at the X25.

 Have you seen an amazing, hard-to-identify picture? Let me know!

Mystery Pic o' the Week

What is it? Send YOUR guess to mysterypic@mikeslist.com. I'll publish in the next issue of Mike's List the name of the person who is first to send me the right answer.  

Mike's List User Manual

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